Somewhere Over the Double Rainbow

Somewhere Over the Double Rainbow

Shortly after this goes live on the site, I will be having surgery to get my right eye removed. I’m not going to lie. I’m pissed about it. I have a tumor that decided to be a fucker and attach itself to my optic nerve. My surgeon who has performed all my previous procedures described this latest tumor as “jello”. Basically anywhere he cut, it just bleeds and is very hard to just remove unlike my past ones.

That’s the reason why I wear the sunglasses for the Youtube videos. It’s not because I think I’m cool – it’s to hide the droopy eyelid of my right eye caused by the numerous surgeries I’ve had to get the tumor out. Each time, my doctor had to cut through my eyelid to get the tumors. Cutting through the tissue basically killed the muscle function of the eyelid.

My doctor is excellent and we have tried multiple surgeries to keep the vision in my eye and help me retain a somewhat normal looking eye functionality. We even explored blasting the tumor with radiation. The problem with that method is that we would have to hit the tumor with soo much radiation, that it would make my eye shrivel up.

He tells me that it’s extremely painful during that process as your eye has thousands of nerve endings and he said that I would beg him to take my eye out in short order.

Another option was to cut above my eyebrow, remove part of my skull, try not to touch my brain and go in through the top to get the tumor out. Only problem there is that I would still only have a 0.05% chance of retaining vision. I would have a very high chance of suffering brain damage because of that. Again, another option I didn’t want to take the chance on.

So now back to scooping the eye. The hope with the procedure is to save my eyelids so that I can get a nice fitting fake eye in place. I’ve seen some videos on youtube and they do look pretty good. Of course, if they can’t save the eyelid they will just do a skin graft from just underneath the eyebrow and fill in the socket. Knowing my luck, that is what will happen to me.

As you might guess, when the doctor told me about these options, it wasn’t anything I wanted to hear. But when he described how the tumor was growing, it changed things. He said that unlike all my previous tumors, which were self contained pockets of flesh, this tumor was like a tentacle that was just sprawling everywhere and growing fast – traditional signs of a cancerous growth.

His big concern was that the tumor was actually attaching itself to my skull’s orbital bone and was trying to grow into it. If the tumor hits my bloodstream, it can spread the cancer to anywhere in my body. He told me that in five years, I’d be having a conversation about making sure “my affairs were in order”, basically the nice way of saying – “make sure your will is set to go, and that you’ve said goodbye to all your friends”.

Looking at the situation that way made the decision a no-brainer. Still not in any way happy about it, but I hope to continue to live on for another 30 years or so.

When something like this happens to you, it immediately makes you put life into perspective. You quickly realize what is important and what is worth spending time on.

In this life, we will all suffer loss. We all know that at some point in time our parents will die. My mom died over six years ago, and my dad died about a year and a half ago. Look, we’ve all had times where we were at our wit’s end with our parents, but what I wouldn’t give to be able to talk to my dad again. On my iphone I have three movies on it – Tron Legacy, Star Trek (2009) and Prometheus. In my lifetime, my dad and I had probably seen over 200 movies together. Prometheus was the last one we saw together before he passed, and the other two were the last ones we saw together. For those reasons alone, I tend to really like those three movies.

If for no other reason then to remember a time when he was alive and I can instantly return to that moment whenever I choose. It now feels the same in regards to the eye. All my life, like everyone else on this planet, have taken for granted the ability to see. But knowing that from this day forward that I will only have what’s known as “monocular” vision, it will change some things.

So what the hell is all of this about?

The message is simple. Enjoy life. Spend time with those who want to be around you. Appreciate the experiences you have with other people, and all the ones on your own. Never stop learning. Always be looking to see how you can help others.

Share. Express yourself. Make that child laugh. Listen to the elderly, they have great life experiences that they want to tell you about. Don’t work that overtime shift because no one is going to talk about that years from now. But you might have a great time with your friends that you decided to go out with instead. Make memories, not money.

Carpe diem. One day you will be worm food. Create your own legacy. Do things that matter. Take time to reflect on your accomplishments, but don’t let them define you.

I’ve already decided that this event in my life will not define who I am, or limit me in any way when possible. I’m hoping to use this as motivation to make sure I am doing the things that will get me to where I need to be. There are multiple projects I am working on and I hope to be able to reveal those to all of you shortly. If any of them come to pass, it will be quite the event. Many of the seeds to those projects have been fostered in part by how you all participate on the site.

There are times where I purposely put up certain matches or pose certain questions so that I can see the reaction they get. It’s all done with a purpose that should it work out, would be influenced by you Facts. Pretty cool eh?

In every story, there is a point where the main character crosses a point of no return. From that point on, they are forever changed. In most cases, it’s a mental or emotional change. For me, it’s a physical thing along with the mental aspect. From this point forward in my life, things will always be different.

I’ve done a lot of research on others who have gone through the same event. Everything seems to be predicated on the attitude of the person affected, and how they decide to deal with it. I’ve already decided that this event marks the close of a time in my life where I took things for granted. Only now have I learned a valuable lesson to truly appreciate everything I have and never worry about what I don’t.

The new day and approach has arrived, and with that, more opportunities. As someone famous once said: “Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose”.

Here’s a video that crossed my path only yesterday as if something destined by fate. It ties into this post and also ties into one of those projects I just mentioned. Worth the watch.

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54 Comments on "Somewhere Over the Double Rainbow"

  1. Glutinous-Bicarbonate July 8, 2014 at 8:11 am -      #1

    I applaud your bravery and resolve to keep going on positively in the wake of such a significant and terrible event.

    We’ll all keep supporting you and the site through this, and keep your words at heart.

  2. Darth Bombad July 8, 2014 at 8:49 am -      #2

    From the bottom of my heart, God speed Admin!.

    I don’t know what else to say, so i’ll just quote Nietzsche.
    “That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” :)

  3. God Of Godzilla July 8, 2014 at 9:03 am -      #3

    I’ve only been here for at least a week but hope the operation is successful and you live a long happy life

  4. Hermit July 8, 2014 at 9:06 am -      #4

    Good luck and God Bless on your operation Admin.
    I was going to link an awesome quote or video but I couldn’t find anything that wasn’t cheesy or cliche.
    About the .005% chance on losing vision, is that in one or both eyes?

  5. Xornell July 8, 2014 at 9:16 am -      #5

    Good luck, Admin. You’re handling this a lot better than I would. Suffice to say, pants would know shitting they had never experienced before. That’s good advice and I can attest to it. Feels like good a place as any to tell (summarize) this story, as I could relate so well to yours.

    There was this girl I knew from school. Not particularly pretty, but not really ugly either. We were friends and I always wanted to smash. But I knew where she worked and we talked every now and again so I figured she could wait. And then she got hit and killed by a car. Now we weren’t super close, but I was upset by her death. And weeks later I figured out why. I regret not trying to bed her while I had the chance. So I definitely agree that life’s too short not to do what you want, even if the thing you want doesn’t seem like it has an urgency to it. Walk your dog. Go on adventure. Bang that girl (or guy. Life’s to short to judge who others screw). Carpe motherfucking Diem.

    That being said, good luck again, Admin. Not sure what the rules for the hospital are and how you’ll be feeling after this event, but I speak for everyone when I say we’re pulling for you and want updates on your recovery (and sweet new Locutus eye).

  6. Ranger Lowk July 8, 2014 at 9:25 am -      #6

    Holy shit! That was… Damn. I want to hope the surgery goes well but feels like literally telling someone to break a leg.
    Sight is my favorite sense and I thought shit was bad when I needed glasses.
    Hope you the best. Maybe one day you can get a new eye or a mechanical one, I’ve heard that was a thing.

  7. Soulerous July 8, 2014 at 9:36 am -      #7

    @Admin- I am very sorry about the eye, but it is wonderful that you’re handling it this way. You have chosen the greater of two potential attitudes. I appreciate your message, for it is a good one.
    I want to link you this short movie: The Butterfly Circus. Although it may seem morbid at first, it is beautiful and well worth a watch from beginning to end. That’s excellent quality, so fullscreen is recommended.

  8. Sauroposeidon July 8, 2014 at 9:54 am -      #8

    On the bright side, sunglasses and eye patches do make you look cool, not gonna lie. The loss of the peripheral vision on that side is going to suck, but at least your life will be safe for now. I look forward to when you’re back and running one of the best websites the internet has ever seen that you built with your own two hands and sheer willpower. Good luck, admin.

  9. Ragnorke July 8, 2014 at 10:18 am -      #9

    I saw the “look up” video a couple of days ago and sort of dismissed it, seeing it posted by someone who needs to get his eye removed makes it feel completely different.
    I’m sorry about the eye, but life’s a bitch amirite? I know a few people who lost their lives to cancer, and giving up an eye is an easy choice to make in such a situation.
    I hope the surgery goes well, that the tumour is successfully removed, and that you don’t end up in agonizing pain.
    on the bright side, if you do get a fake eye, you can get an iconic fictional logo drawn onto it 😀
    Goodluck Admin ^^

    That Xornell story though… did not see that coming

  10. Megaraptor18 July 8, 2014 at 10:44 am -      #10

    Good Luck buddy! Stay positive, stay strong, and keep moving forward. I will pray for you, your family, and pray that you will have the strength to endure what is to come.

  11. Baron Somebody July 8, 2014 at 10:53 am -      #11

    Well…you should ask if you can keep the eyeball in a jar of embalming fluid…

    Other than that though, I’m sorry about your eye…I know getting a tooth knocked out is nowhere near as physically or mentally scarring as losing one of your sensory organs but I can empathize on that level with you at least…

    I don’t really know what else to say except for that you shouldn’t let being a cyclops limit you from indulging and fulfilling this message that you have imparted on us…hopefully that cancerous octopus perishes from thermonuclear armaments in the future…

    And if you for some reason do end up being vanquished by this menace, which won’t be any time soon, (or maybe it will I don’t know) I hope Baron Samedi is there to chauffeur you into the netherworld…

  12. OberHerr July 8, 2014 at 10:58 am -      #12

    Good luck Admin. I can only say that at least you won’t die from the tumor. And hopefully you can adjust well to the lack of half your vision. I have no idea how I’d adjust to that.

    Just a question how was your vision when you had the tumor or when you started having surgery? Are you used to a lack of site in one eye?

    Irregardless of all this… NEEED to get a badass eyepatch! IT MUST BE DONE!

  13. cuccolover July 8, 2014 at 11:08 am -      #13

    wow. hope you feel better.

  14. the watcher July 8, 2014 at 11:37 am -      #14

    Best of luck Admin. Who knows, in the next five or ten years you might be able to get a replacement that works better than the first one.

  15. Kara Zor-El July 8, 2014 at 11:46 am -      #15

    Stay strong Paul. We all know you have it in you, and keep spreading that message. Life can be horribly short, don’t things get you down. Remember what Bilbo used to say: “It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.”
    Keep your head held high, and good luck with the operation.

  16. Darth Expert July 8, 2014 at 12:57 pm -      #16

    Well Damn, God bless and good luck Admin. :(

  17. Drago July 8, 2014 at 1:29 pm -      #17

    Well… damn… Look all I have to say is this get better and maybe look into bionic eyes. I know they are EXTREMELY KNEW, and as of now cant completely replace your eye but follow its progress. You could be like Adam Jensen one day

  18. ptaine July 8, 2014 at 1:43 pm -      #18

    Wise words, and best of luck.

  19. Xornell July 8, 2014 at 1:57 pm -      #19

    “That Xornell story though… did not see that coming”

    Neither did she, as it turns out. And thus the lesson is: always check both ways before crossing the street on a moped at 1 am. Boom. Sentimentality ruined. But srs. Laughter is the best medicine.

  20. Ragnorke July 8, 2014 at 2:06 pm -      #20

    “Neither did she, as it turns out.”

    i just… i just cant… xD

  21. Friendlysociopath July 8, 2014 at 3:30 pm -      #21

    Hope it all goes well for you admin, this may or may not make you feel better- but I’ll pray for you. My grandmother lost all of her vision about 20 years ago, and she’s still kicking (metaphorically, I haven’t seen her kick something in a long time). And yes, you need to find an epic eyepatch. The important point is indeed to stay positive. In the end, the only person that can truly make sure you stay happy is you.

    @Xornell, that’s the kind of humor I can get behind the wheel of.

  22. Baron Somebody July 8, 2014 at 3:31 pm -      #22

    I know this is incredibly off topic but dude Xornell your avatar is so fucking annoying

  23. OberHerr July 8, 2014 at 3:38 pm -      #23

    @Baron Somebody
    Oh yeah? Well the Jerkstore called, and they’re running out of YOU!

  24. Hac148 July 8, 2014 at 3:49 pm -      #24

    God speed, Admin!!!
    Your BankGambling family is always here for you in these trying times, and we owe you so much for creating this site. We wish you only the best in your surgery and even more in a speedy recovery.

  25. Aelfinn July 8, 2014 at 3:56 pm -      #25

    Best of luck, Admin. I can offer little in the way of condolences, but I thank you for the time you’ve put into BankGambling, and hope everything goes well.
    Slightly related note: get a fuckin’ awesome eye-bandage!

  26. Baron Somebody July 8, 2014 at 4:00 pm -      #26


    I have officially been served

  27. Parry Boy July 8, 2014 at 4:22 pm -      #27

    Admin is about to be Deathstroke.
    Srsly, good luck on thy surgery!

  28. Ragnorke July 8, 2014 at 4:23 pm -      #28

    “I have officially been served”

    Medium rare, on a shiny platter, with mashed potatoes on the side.

    “Slightly related note: get a fuckin’ awesome eye-bandage!”
    You can get some weird looking prosthetic eyes for underneath too.

  29. Baron Somebody July 8, 2014 at 4:36 pm -      #29

    Yuck, I have never understood why people think mashed potatoes are good with steak…

  30. Ragnorke July 8, 2014 at 4:41 pm -      #30

    “Yuck, I have never understood why people think mashed potatoes are good with steak…”

    gotta get them carbs

  31. Baron Somebody July 8, 2014 at 4:48 pm -      #31

    That’s fine and all, but why the need for fossilized shit afterwards? That’s what it feels like at least to me when inside of my colon…but OOOO…ocular potatoes…just to at least bring the topic full circle…I’ll gladly eat admin’s carcinogenic eye atop a mound of them…it’d have to have salt and pepper though…

  32. Parry Boy July 8, 2014 at 5:19 pm -      #32

    Can I just have ice cream please?

  33. Alpha or Omega July 8, 2014 at 6:27 pm -      #33

    Good luck admin. I am sorry for the loss of your eye. I hope things will go in your favor.
    Life is short. And the time does certainly fly by. I was a middle school-er when I joined, and I wished I did more things during high-school. I will make sure to fill my life with a lot of experiences.

  34. pimpmage July 8, 2014 at 7:08 pm -      #34

    Has BankGambling ever sponsored anything? I have been listining to the Major Spoilers podcasts and they do their own little discussions on what fictional characters would beat who. It would be cool if this site gets mentioned by them somehow.

  35. Alpha or Omega July 8, 2014 at 7:26 pm -      #35

    We used to sponsor Machinima IIRC back in mid2012-early 2013

  36. mack006 July 8, 2014 at 8:24 pm -      #36

    Thank you for your inspiration Admin and good luck in your surgery. Hope for the very best and we will be waiting for you.

    God speed

    Nah, Admin becomes Big Boss

  37. OberHerr July 8, 2014 at 10:49 pm -      #37

    @Baron Somebody
    I’m glad you got the reference. Or I hope you did.

    And mashed potatoes with steak, while it feels like a brick through your stomach when done…..IS SOOO GOOOD!

    But, ok lets vote.

    Should Admin become
    A) Big Boss
    B) White Nick Fury
    C) King Bradley

    I say White Nick Fury personally. Just gotta get the right eyepatch and the jacket.

  38. erickyboo July 8, 2014 at 10:51 pm -      #38

    Courage admin! Best of luck to you.

  39. Alpha or Omega July 8, 2014 at 11:05 pm -      #39

    U forgot zis guy.
    Also, Big Boss because of this
    I swear, nearly everyone in the Metal Gear franchise had the best lines.

  40. OberHerr July 8, 2014 at 11:09 pm -      #40

    Eh, I’ve always kinda thought of him as a live-action Snake.

  41. Baron Somebody July 8, 2014 at 11:41 pm -      #41

    Hey admin you should take before and after photos of the surgery, I am considering medical school and would find it interesting if you did

  42. Rorschach July 8, 2014 at 11:56 pm -      #42

    Hope everything goes okay, Admin.
    Thank you for your words of advice to us all.
    Good luck.

  43. batman3.14 July 9, 2014 at 12:16 am -      #43

    Wow… Best of luck to you… I hope everything goes the best way possible.

  44. CH1C4N0444 is allergic to bullets July 9, 2014 at 12:55 am -      #44

    Hope all goes well Admin!

  45. Neon Lord July 9, 2014 at 3:38 am -      #45

    Good luck Admin! And wise words from a wise man.

  46. mack006 July 9, 2014 at 3:57 am -      #46

    I say Big Boss
    “This is good isn’t it?”

  47. The Sony Girl July 9, 2014 at 4:26 am -      #47

    Not gonna lie, this made me sad. It makes my big head bump and skinned arms and legs look good.

  48. The Sony Girl July 9, 2014 at 5:01 am -      #48

    Big Boss is badass. Not saying the others aren’t though.

  49. TheSorrow July 9, 2014 at 5:47 am -      #49

    I would have to say, the one thing Big Boss beats Solid Snake no contest is the facial hair. It gives him an authoritative look.

  50. Parry Boy July 9, 2014 at 5:59 am -      #50

    Big Boss: I got a bigger beard.
    Snake: Well Raiden’s got a bigger di- oh wait.
    Big Boss: Hand me america.

  51. mack006 July 9, 2014 at 7:52 am -      #51

    Well durr, Snake burned his face trying to save EVA . Of course Big Boss will have the better hair and face.

    *Points to his face*
    “This is good, isn’t it?”

  52. Namer July 9, 2014 at 1:53 pm -      #52

    That was a touching read, Admin. Best of luck getting through this.

  53. captain napalm July 9, 2014 at 2:27 pm -      #53

    My condolences–I hope all goes well, and you get through this difficult time.

  54. Necroth July 11, 2014 at 11:22 am -      #54

    That was… Touching…

    Look at it from the bright side! You can now be a pirate!

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